Emmalyn Ann Millar Arrives!

After we got Max put to bed, we headed to the hospital.  We got to the hospital around 9 pm and they immediately took me back to a labor and delivery room.  I LOVE this hospital and the staff.  I have been looking forward to getting to stay here after giving birth because of the great experience I had last time.  

Smiling - must not have been having a contraction.  I wanted to get a last pregnancy picture of me in CLOTHES but yeah, things like that are easily forgotten when you are in labor.

Holy cow - that's a big belly...will she be a big baby??

So the nurses checked me out and I was around 2 cm and 80% effaced.  (Interesting because with the intensity of the contractions I would have figured I would have been more dilated.)  But that still was progress because just 4 days ago I was 0 and 0.  They put the monitors on me and the baby - which was difficult because the baby was moving so much that they kept having to re-position the monitor, got an IV going (which wasn't easy because they said my veins were really dry), and drew some blood.  I was still having contractions that I was having to breathe through.  They said the doctor was on her way and so we were moving forward with the c-section.

Then the busy paperwork stuff happened and they were bringing things in for me to sign, and the anesthesiologist was walking me through what would happen with the epidural and spinal block.  All of that was freaking me out and I was getting so nervous!  So after all of this, while we were waiting for the doctor, it hit me that I hadn't had a contraction in what seemed like a long time.  I didn't want to say it out loud because I didn't want them to say that I wasn't really in labor... but I had to bring it up.  I asked if it was a bad sign that I hadn't had a contraction in a while.  I was hoping that maybe I was just so focused on the paperwork and all the legal/procedural stuff that I had been distracted.  Yet when they checked the monitors, the contractions had slowed down.  DANG!  I hoped maybe it was just that the monitor didn't pick them up because of how many times they had to adjust them to get good readings.

So Dr Broderick-Thomas arrived (she was the on-call replacement for my regular doc) and was hesitant to move forward.  She said that it wasn't advisable to do a voluntary C-section when someone wasn't in labor and wasn't 39 weeks.  I was only 38 weeks and 1 day and she wasn't confident that I was in labor.  She thought that maybe I was just dehydrated and once they got the IV going and fluids in me, I was more hydrated and that is why the contractions stopped.  She said that having the baby now before I was 39 weeks put the baby at risk for complications with her lungs.  The Dr, however, didn't want to send me home only to have both me and her have to turn around and come back to the hospital even later in the evening (at this point it was 10:45 pm).  She said she would hang around the hospital for an hour and come back and check me at that point.  If I was truly in labor, I would show progression over that hour.  If I was just dehydrated and not really in labor, then things wouldn't progress.  I was bummed because if this baby was going to be born now with the hour delay, it would be on 4/13.  You don't want your baby to be born on the 13th - right?

The nurses and Dr basically left us alone at that point and Peter and I talked.  I REALLY didn't want to hear that I wasn't in labor because that would mean that most likely I would have to go through labor again.  I was nearly a week and a half away from my scheduled c-section date and I have always felt that I wasn't going to make it to that day.  The only way to have the baby earlier than that though would be to go into labor.  I had just dealt with contractions for the past nearly 7 hours.  It wasn't fun.  Who wants to sign up to do that again???  Not me!  At the same time, I didn't want to push for the surgery and open the baby up to unnecessary risks.  Peter was supportive but also did pointedly bring up how I had spent time in the sun gardening and then had laid in the sun with the neighbor for an hour and hadn't drunk as much water as I usually do.  Sure, I didn't drink as much as usual but I still drank some!  I didn't feel like I'd been so bad with the water that I put myself into dehydration.  I was feeling guilt that maybe something I had done, or not done, had caused my body to be doing something it wasn't time to do.

So we had one hour to see where this went.  I was comforted to know that if nothing progressed, at least they could probably send me home with something to make the contractions stop.

Quickly, after everyone left, things picked up again and I started having contractions that again I had to breathe through (and hold Peter's hand through - sorry babe for squishing your hand).  They certainly got more intense.  I remember looking at the clock at 11 pm and asking Peter when the hour was going to be up.  He said 11:45 and I was like, oh my goodness.  I can't make it that long!  But I did.  And at 11:45 when the Dr came back in to check me, I had progressed to 3 cm.  That was enough for her to feel confident that I was in labor.

Whew!  I wasn't going home.

Yikes - this was really going to happen.

I had been so excited at the beginning of this pregnancy knowing we were doing a scheduled c-section because it meant I wouldn't have to go through labor this time!  HA!  I jinxed myself because I ended up being in labor for nearly 8 hours.

At this point things happened quickly.  They started getting me ready and Peter quickly ran down to the car to get the camera.  They didn't even wait for him to get back before they took me into the operating room.  It was a little weird WALKING into the operating room and climbing up onto the table.  (They kindly brought in a step stool  for me to use to get up onto the table since I was so short.  HA!)  I was worried that Peter wouldn't get there in time and that I would have to do the epidural alone, but he made it.  I am such a wimp with that and asked the nurse standing in front of me if I could hold her hands through it.  They gave me both an epidural and a spinal block.  It was NOT fun.  I feel like it was worse than the last time.  I was also given something to help prevent nausea.  The anesthesiologist was NOT happy that I had those few bites of pizza earlier in the evening (naughty me!) and warned me not to throw up on her.  Thankfully, I never felt nauseous.

When the Dr was looking for my c-section scar from last time, she said it was the lightest c-section scar she had ever seen.  I wanted to tell her that she better give me something just as good.  :)

I was really worried that I would experience the horrible shaking that I went through the last time.  I remember that I was shaking so hard that I was clenching my teeth with everything I had in me because I didn't want to bite my tongue.  This time, the shaking wasn't that intense before the baby was born but I was really anxious and nervous.  I don't know why, it's not like I thought something was going to go wrong but I was really sooooooo nervous.  Peter could tell and so he offered to talk about his work to distract me.  It was much appreciated to focus on something else.  It seemed that the surgery (prior to the birth) took much longer this time which just prolonged my anxiety.  Peter kindly put his hand on my face to help me calm down, and it did help which was interesting because in normal life, I HATE having him touch my face like that.  A few times, Peter stood up and checked out what was going on past the curtain that separates my face from all the action.  I asked him what was going on but he wouldn't tell me.

Eventually, the moment came.  Peter got the camera ready and the Dr told me I'd feel a lot of pressure.  When the Dr first cut into the uterus I heard the amniotic fluid spurt out (Peter saw it), then right after the baby was born, the rest of the amniotic fluid came gushing out.  I know that sounds gross but I found it so interesting.  And when I say gushing, that's what it sounded like.  Like someone had dumped a bucked of water on the ground - - I HEARD it splash on the ground and heard the sounds of people exclaiming and jumping back to avoid it.  I know, it's sick, but it made me laugh a little.  Peter got pictures of them pulling her out and watched the whole thing - - THAT is gross to me.  It was so reassuring to hear her cry.

When the Dr held her up, I thought..."she looks just like the baby in the 3D ultrasound pictures we got".

Baby Girl Millar was born at 12:25 am on Sunday April 13, 2014 (4.13.14 - a palindrome).  She weighed 7 lbs 5.6 ounces, her head was 13.75 and she was 18.5 inches long.

Peter went off to the other part of the room with the baby to participate in all the stuff going on with her while the Dr proceeded to finish up the surgery.  The rest of the surgery did not go well for me.  I found it extremely uncomfortable and way worse than the last time.  It seemed that I was feeling more going on than I felt last time.  It felt like the Dr was poking around and doing things way up into my chest and not just in my abdomen.  At one point I couldn't take it anymore and mentioned to the anesthesiologist that I felt like I was feeling more than just "pressure" (which is what she had previously explained would be the only thing I should feel). So she upped something which then made me really cold and the shaking got really bad.  I felt so incredibly alone without Peter by my side.  It was awful and took FOREVER - such a different experience than I remember from last time.

Peter getting her footprints on his scrubs

Proud daddy with some really cute feet!

Peter finally brought the baby over for me to see up close.  She was really cute.  The anesthesiologist grabbed our camera and turned into a mini photographer - taking tons of shots and suggesting poses.  It was really sweet how into it she got.  I feel like we got some great pictures - thanks Dr. Katie!

Opening her eyes to my voice

After surgery was complete they moved us into the recovery room.  I was really cold and still shaking.  It took about 20 minutes until I felt like I was warmed up and calmed down enough that I could hold the baby.  We did skin to skin first for awhile and then tried nursing, which went great!  We stayed in recovery for 2 hours and then made our way to our postpartum room. 

Holding her for the first time

Peter held her after she was skin to skin with me and happened to hold her right up to where her footprints were on his shirt.  The ink came off on her.  Those are her own footprints on her belly. Whoops - who knew?

So great - I love doing skin to skin and bonding with her OUTSIDE of me.

Pretty girl.  She has such a dark complexion - darker than both Peter and I.  Not sure where that comes from.  It's such an odd and surreal thing to look at this sweet baby and try to comprehend this is the same being that only hours earlier was kicking and moving inside of you.

I had to check on Max (via webcam) to make sure he was okay.  He was.

When we got to our room (which was a suite - not sure how we got so lucky but it was great!), we worked on getting settled in.  The baby was in her bassinet making so much noise - - lots of whimpers and coos.  The nurses even commented on how noisy she was.  She must have been so excited to finally be heard!

Tired Peter - caught him yawning.

At about 3:45 am we were finally ready to get some rest.  We sent the baby to the nursery.  I remember with Maxwell, we kept him with us and that first bit of sleep was AWFUL because each little noise he made worried me and woke me up.  I swore I would never do that again.  This Momma needed to get some rest!  This time around I didn't need to prove that I could do it nor did I need to be super mom.  I knew that things wouldn't be easy and was going to take every bit of help offered without shame.

...but first...a treat! 

I was now on a liquid diet which didn't feel too bad to me because anytime you get to have a Popsicle, it's a good thing!

Maxwell's last day as an only child

Saturday April 12, 2014
I wanted to capture a "typical" day in Max's life before the baby came so I set a goal to take a bunch of pictures today to help document what this typical day looked like.  Little did I know that I was not only capturing a typical day, but his LAST day before the baby came and he was no longer an only child.

Each morning when he wakes up, Max calls to us to come and get him (he doesn't climb out of his bed on his own without us being there - it's awesome!).  Whoever gets him then brings him into our room, along with his vitamin, a cup with some milk, and some dry cereal.  And as long as it's after 6 am, he gets to play on the tablet until we are ready to get out of bed and get ready.  He watches shows like Pocoyo, Super Why, Bubble Guppies, or Blues Clues (I am pretty strict on what he watches - just because it's a cartoon doesn't make it okay and appropriate!), plays apps like "bugs and buttons", "bugs and numbers", "squiggles", or "lego trains", or plays a race car game, or watches a few music videos that we have put on there.  It's pretty amazing how adept he is at navigating the tablet to whatever he is interested in at that moment.  He knows which shows he likes are on Amazon Prime and which are on Netflix.  And a few months ago they pulled Pocoyo off of one of these sites and so now he has to go to YouTube to watch it.  Having your kid go to YouTube is a pretty scary things because of the content available there.  So I taught him (once!) how to go to the "search" icon and then type in "P" "O" "C" and the first thing that comes up on the menu is Pocoyo.  He clicks on that and there's his videos!  From there, there are some Busy Beaver nursery rhymes and other learning videos that he watches too.  

2 years ago I would have said that he wouldn't ever get that much tablet time but at this point I am so tired, I have lowered my standards in favor of getting even an extra 30 minutes of sleep.  He is also getting more TV time at night than I would like but I only have the energy to sit on the couch and watch TV.

After showering and getting dressed (at Kindermusik they asked if he was getting pictures today... nope, that's just my stylish kid who I prefer not to dress in t-shirts every day), we did his hair.  He helped out by using the spray bottle to get his hair wet.  When we do his hair, I always tell him he looks handsome and then he goes to dad and says "Am I handsome, daddy?".

Cool dude!

Serious dude!

Silly face!

Happy boy!

He wanted to take a picture of Momma

He played with this truck and then wanted to bring it with him in the car.  We get this question a lot lately about whatever he is focused on for that moment... "Can (insert object here) come with me in the car, to swim lessons, in bed, etc.?"

On the way to Kindermusik he had a snack of cheese.

Kindermusik went okay, it wasn't the best day ever.  I am so pregnant that it's uncomfortable to hold him on my lap, what little bit of it is left, for the portions where you have your kid in your lap.  Plus, I can't exactly dance around and hold him and get up and down off the floor easily.  Not only that but my lung capacity is less so I don't sing as much as normal.  So because I didn't fully participate, Max wasn't fully participating and was more distracted than normal.  I had a few contractions during the class that distracted me too.  We did have a relaxation song where they turn down the lights, play a classical song, and you hold your child and rock.  I LOVE this part of Kindermusik and Max is always great at snuggling into me.  Since he can't sit in my lap, he now turns around and wraps his arms around me and rests his head on my shoulder.  It's super sweet and I treasure those moments.  Today he looked at me and goes "I love you, Momma".  AWWWWWWWW!  This was the last class I paid for during this semester because I figured the next Saturday (2 days before my scheduled c-section) I would NOT want to go to Kindermusik.  I will miss it while we are taking a break and I'm healing.  I'm not sure how it's going to work to take the time to go when I have a nursing baby but I hope we can figure it out.  I really enjoy connecting with Max during this special time we share together.  Plus, I truly believe he has benefited developmentally in many ways as a result of this class.

After Kindermusik we stopped to get us both a hamburger for lunch when we got home and I treated us to an ice cream cone that we shared in the car on the way home.  He did a great job of sharing and we passed it back and forth many times. 

When we got home, it was a lovely day so Max and Peter went on a walk, pushing an empty stroller.  I spent about 15 minutes pulling some weeds that were driving me crazy in the flower beds.  I am sure I looked ridiculous to the neighbors driving by...a woman at 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant, sitting on the sidewalk, weeding.  But, as I've talked about before, I enjoy weeding!

Max had lunch and then it was time for a nap.  This is how he sleeps in his bed - at the far end, in the wrong direction, right up against the head of the bed, on TOP of his pillow with his head on top of his blankets and stuffed animals.  I absolutely adore this sweet, sleeping angel.

Another view so you can see how much of his bed he takes up.  :)

While Max slept, I went next door and enjoyed some time visiting with my neighbor, Mary Ann, while we lounged in chairs by her pool.  I even put on my swim suit so I could enjoy the sun.  It was good for me to get out of the house.  I know I've been in a grumpy mood and short tempered.  Peter's been a trooper and has put up with me and has been understanding.  Spending time relaxing in the sun and chatting with a friend was a good break.  It took me a few minutes to walk back home though, the minute I stood up I had a contraction and had to wait for it to pass to start walking.  That was common for today - it seemed that I pretty much had a contraction nearly each time I stood up.

After his nap, Peter let Max play Angry Birds in the media room.

And he watched part of a movie (it still shocks me to see him in underwear - his little bum looks so cute!)

And he spent time on timeout.  (I don't remember why, most likely for not listening.  That's pretty much the only reason for timeouts lately.)  Peter's the one that put him on timeout this time.

Video - Max on timeout.  I secretly taped him.  He is good about staying on timeout until we get him but he rarely stays there quietly anymore.

Then we headed to Wal-Mart.  I was still in my swimming suit top with my cover up as the over shirt.  The great thing about swimming suit tops - - you don't have to wear a bra.  It was so nice to not have to wear an uncomfortable bra, so I checked with Peter to make sure I didn't look crazy and he said I was okay to go like that.  :)  THANK YOU!

We headed to Wal-mart for a few reasons...return some stuff, buy Max a basketball hoop that he's been desiring, and let Max buy a present that he could give the baby when she's born.  While we were there, the contractions kicked up.  They were to the point that I didn't want to walk more than I had to.  At one point I found some underwear we were wanting to get for Max and rather than go find Peter who was also looking for them, I just stood there until he found me.  I couldn't bring myself to walk around to find him and then have to walk back.  When the contractions hit, I was having to stop walking and stand still until they passed and on a few of them, I had to lightly breathe through it.  Max picked out a little yellow giraffe rattle to give to Baby Sister.

Max and Peter were having a great time and Peter was tickling Maxwell and he was giggling in the cutest way.  I should have gotten a video.

We needed to blow about 30 more minutes until Peter's car was done getting the oil changed so after Wal-mart, Peter suggested that we could either go to Home Depot or to Chik-Fil-A where Max could play on the playground.  I told him that after the uncomfortable experience of Wal-mart, there was NO WAY, I was going to walk around a massive Home Depot.  So if we went there, I was going to stay in the car.  We decided to do Chik-Fil-A however when we got there, my contractions hadn't stopped and so I didn't even want to walk into the restaurant.  I just wanted these contractions to go away!  

The boys went in without me and I stayed in the car.  I laid the seat back, I started drinking a ton of water (I knew that dehydration could cause contractions), and I tried to live through the contractions.  My dad called and I chatted with him for awhile which helped to distract me.  I didn't tell him that I was having contractions while we were talking.  After his call, I became aware that these contractions really weren't stopping and that maybe I needed to think about tracking them to see if I might be in labor. I found an app, downloaded it, and started tracking them.  At this point I was worried about dropping Peter back at the car shop and having to drive the 10 minutes back to the house by myself, especially if a contraction hit.  However when Peter got back in the car and I suggested that perhaps he just drive me back home and then Joe or Brittany could bring him back to his car he looked at me like I was crazy.  I didn't want to, but I said I would stick to the original plan and take him to his car and drive myself home.

I made it home safely and called Brittany on the way home and asked her to come get Max out of the car so that I could immediately walk in and lay down once I got home - the contractions were getting worse and I couldn't think about standing out there while I unbuckled Max, then lifted him out of the car, etc.  It was just too much.

I came in and laid down, still tracking my contractions, and tried to drink more water.  At this point, I really felt in my heart that I was in labor even though in my mind I really didn't want it to be true.  I was texting my friend Andrea and she strongly urged me to have Peter pack my hospital bag (since I still hadn't done that!).  I had to focus and breath through the contractions.  I really wanted the contractions to go away so I took a shower since I had a friend who mentioned that helped her contractions stop once.  I stayed in the shower forever (most of the time spent sitting on the floor or on my hands and knees so that gravity did push the baby's head against my cervix causing things to progress) and it did help the severity of the contractions.  I stayed in there a LONG time and while the severity got better, I still had Peter pack my hospital bag.  

I realized in the shower that my only real choice was to go to the hospital and I should stop avoiding it.  If I really WAS in labor, then why would I want to spend more time at home, go through more time in labor, when eventually I would still end up at the hospital with a c-section?  Wouldn't it be better to get there sooner and get some pain meds so I didn't have to keep going through the contractions??  And if I WASN'T in labor, the contractions weren't stopping so wouldn't it be better to go to the hospital, have them tell me it wasn't real, and get some meds to help either stop the contractions or be more comfortable?

So I got out of the shower and called my Dr's office.  It was the weekend so I was sent to an after hours service and they paged the Dr on call.  I was keenly aware that if I had the baby now, my beloved Dr Boyd wouldn't be the one that delivers my baby.  She wasn't on call this weekend.  :(  This made me so sad but I knew that there really wasn't a way around it.  While I waited to be called back, I had a few bites of the pizza that Peter had ordered.  If I had a baby, it meant it was going to be awhile until I could have solid foods and I wanted to have a little bit of real food!  Unfortunately, I didn't feel up to having more than a few bites.  Joe was sweet and asked me if he could get me anything and I was in so much pain and having to focus that I sort of snapped at him and said "Joe, don't talk to me".  I ended up apologizing to him about it later but in that moment, I couldn't even handle having to say any unnecessary words.

The Dr on call, Dr. Broderick-Thomas, called me back and I explained the situation...  that I was 38 weeks 1 day, my C- Section wasn't scheduled until April 21st, however I was having contractions that were about 8 minutes apart and had gotten stronger progressively since they started about 4 pm.  They were lasting about 60 seconds.  Dr Boyd had previously told me that if I had 6 contractions or more in an hour that I should go in, and that was certainly the case here.  Dr Broderick-Thomas (who I have never met) told me to go into the hospital.

Sigh.  This is for real.

This was at about 8 pm.  We decided to take the time to put Max to bed first before going to the hospital.  We didn't talk about the fact that we were leaving and where we were going because I wasn't 100% sure that this would really happen and didn't want to say anything if they were just going to send us back home.

I snuggled with Max while he played on the tablet.  I just wanted to touch him.  Then we read books, like normal.

Then it was time to cuddle.  (Britt took some pics for us...our last pics as a family of 3.)

After we cuddled, we took Max into his room and put him down.  When I was giving him my regular kisses ("Momma loves you here" on each of his cheeks, his nose, and his mouth), I broke down crying and could barely talk.  My heart was breaking with the knowledge of the loss of the sweet life we had enjoyed with this little boy for the last almost 2 years and 8 months.  Sure, I knew that we'd be adding another sweet addition that we wanted but still, it's sad to say goodbye to this phase of our lives.  Things would never be the same.

My great husband with the bag he packed for me, plus our daughter's diaper bag, and the breast feeding pillow.  

We were ready to go!  Time to go (maybe) start the next chapter...