(Happy?!) Mother's Day 2014 - - AKA Kallie is an idiot who makes her own life painful

I think we should abolish silly holidays like "mother's day".  Or at least, cancel them from my calendar.  They just lead to stupid expectations for a day that aren't going to be met and thus lead to disappointment.

I had these lovely visions of a Mother's Day where I could sleep in, enjoy breakfast in bed, and be pampered all day by my family and the day would end with a delicious dinner at a restaurant.   HAAAAAA.   I think things have been so rough lately that I clung to this vision because it would be a break from the daily grind.

Here was reality (which wasn't bad, but because of my lovely vision and expectations the day was doomed to not make me happy)...

Peter had to take Aja to the airport REALLY early.  No big deal.  I could handle Emmalyn's feeding during that time and he'd be back in enough time to take over and I could go back to sleep!  Unfortunately Aja got to the airport after the check-in cutoff so she wasn't allowed to board and had to be put on the next flight that left 4 hours later.  Peter didn't want her sitting at the airport that long so he turned around on his way home to go get her and take her to breakfast (it was her Mother's day too!).  When he called me to let me know that the plan had changed and he wouldn't be home when we had planned, I understood and was okay with it.  Doesn't mean I wasn't disappointed.  There went my plans for sleeping in.

Now, Mother's Day was just like every other day where Max would be on the iPad while I tried to sleep for a few minutes while Emmalyn slept and then I'd struggle to keep both of them happy while we got ready for the day.  Except it was worse because usually Peter would go get Max when he woke up and get him some milk and dry cereal and bring him to our bed.  Now that task was mine too.

Good morning

Max continued to get more sores thanks to the Hand Foot and Mouth Disease

Peter eventually made it home later that morning and brought me these beautiful roses, two sweet cards - one from Max and one from himself

He also brought donuts and McDonalds breakfast

My sweet husband tried to make it good but I just couldn't get past the crappy start to the day.

I appreciated the breakfast he picked up but it wasn't a yummy, home cooked breakfast in bed.  I appreciated the cards and flowers but was disappointed that he didn't have a present for me.  I didn't get a physical present for our anniversary and then nothing for Mother's Day?  It's not like Mother's Day was a surprise.  I know he just picked those cards up this morning.  Where was the forethought?

He offered to go to the grocery store and I let him but it just made me more ticked.  Here's again where I get in my own way...  I know he thought he was being nice by offering to go to the store since normally I would beg for him to do this.  However, now that I am home with the kids during the day, his offer felt like a punishment for me.  Going to the grocery store alone seems like a heavenly dream.  A chance to get out of the house?  By myself?  Feel like a normal human?  Yes please!  So when he went, it meant that I was stuck at home...again...by myself with the kids...while he got a break and got to get away from it all.  Yet, did I communicate to him that I would prefer to go to the store while he stayed with the kids?  No.  Instead I just sat there simmering in my victimness because my selfish husband was once again taking care of himself instead of pampering me on my special day and giving me a break.  (DUH KALLIE. PULL YOUR HEAD OUT AND COMMUNICATE!!!!!)

Here's my "break"...oh wait, I didn't get one.  It was just like every other day.

That's pretty much how the rest of the day went.  I wanted Peter to surprise me by picking out a great restaurant for dinner or being up for doing something fun as a family outside the house.  (Especially since we didn't get to go out last night for our anniversary.)  But instead we sat around and did nothing special.  We didn't leave the house.  And by the time it was PAST time for dinner, I was so hurt and mad that I refused to contribute to the conversation about what we should do for dinner.  So I let him pick.  He picked Firehouse Subs.  Seriously?!  It's freaking MOTHERS DAY and you are going to celebrate my role by picking up subs?  It was more evidence that supported my inner conversation about what a crappy day this was, how Peter didn't care about making it special for me, and how awful my life was.

I know, I know, I know.  I'm an idiot.  I'm only publicly writing about my ridiculous and embarrassing behavior as a painful reminder to myself to knock it off and take a different approach next time.  It wasn't a bad day.  The only thing that made it bad was myself and my crappy attitude and inability to communicate effectively.  

Emmalyn turned 4 weeks old today.

• I used some Doterra Digestzen (diluted) on her today because it seemed like her tummy was really upset.  Her first time using oils!
• We have been having some really rough nights lately
• We are getting more awake time from her and even a little eye contact!
• She SCREAMS during diaper changes.  During the day, it's manageable but at night when Peter is changing her before giving her to me to nurse, it's TORTURE.
• We've heard some coos but they seem to be more of an accident and not on purpose.  We ARE getting softer noises - for example she has a softer cry now and not just her full on scream.  It seems like we are getting closer to real coos. She still makes the grunting and snorting noises.
• She is really good at holding her head up.
• The only smiles we get are when she's sleeping but we are getting different facial reactions from her that show that she's reacting to you.
• She sometimes likes the bouncy seat.
• She loves having her hand by her face.
• She hates getting dressed..
• She has such a little waist.  The 0-3 month bloomers can be on her with a gap between her body and the elastic, they aren't even stretched.
• Today it seems like her baby acne is getting better.
• I think we have dodged the HFMD, she doesn't have any of the symptoms.
• Peter has the touch and is able to get her to burp...to sleep...to calm down...etc. while I feel like I don't know any of the answers.  For example, someone will ask does she like this or does she like this and I feel dumb because I don't know the answer.  I don't have a feel for anything yet.  You would think I just brought her home and not that I was 4 weeks into this.
• I wonder what she will look like in a few months...what color eyes will she have?  Will she keep her dark hair and darker complexion?  Will everything change?
• She doesn't have a birthmark (yet?)
• If we put her on tummy time, she will immediately roll over to her back and can roll both to her left and her right to avoid being on her tummy.  This didn't just happen once, but MANY times.
• There are times, in the middle of the night, when I will just leave the lamp on after she nurses because if I turn the light off after I lay her back down it seems to be a guarantee that she will wake up and scream.  Peter and I are both so tired that having the light on does nothing to keep us awake.  :)
• Nursing is going great.  I don't have to worry about her latch anymore because she's gotten the hang of it.  No need to use lanolin oil.  It's going smoothly!  Interestingly, I have noticed that I rarely feel "full" and have learned that is normal for moms who have nursed before because your breasts have held more milk before (for your previous child) and so holding the lesser amount of milk needed for a newborn doesn't max out the space in there.  I was worried that I might not be producing enough so was happy to learn this.  Also, I noticed that I don't have to help her latch anymore.  She's able to do get a good latch herself and finally understands she needs to keep her hand out of the way.  These two things make nursing so much easier!

Third Day in the Hospital

Tuesday 4/15/14

Today was overall, a rough day.  My milk started coming in, which is a good thing for the baby but a bad thing for me.  My pain killers unfortunately were not strong enough to help me avoid the pain from rock hard boobs that will make you flinch with pain if a hair were to fall on them.  (Not to mention my poor bra that was losing the battle of containing them.  If I go through through this again, someone remind me to buy a comfy cheap nursing bra just for the few days my milk is coming in because it will be stretched to its limits and unlikely to ever recover.)  :)

It WAS nice to have my milk come in while I was still in the hospital because then the lactation consultants were there to help, and ask questions of that I would normally have not asked had I been at home already.  Emmalyn was losing weight, like all newborns do, but they were starting to talk about supplementing with formula and I really didn't want to do that.  They said that if she lost more than 10% of her body weight that we would need to look to use some formula.  She was born on Sunday at 7 lbs 5 oz.  on Monday she weight 6 lbs 12 oz and on Tuesday was down to 6 lbs 11 oz.  We were one oz away from hitting that 10%.  I had an awesome night nurse for the baby who didn't want to supplement either so she suggested that we nurse every 2 hours (instead of the 3 I had been doing) and the frequency along with the fact that my milk was coming in should be enough to start putting weight back on her.  DEAL! (Although nursing every 2 hours, especially at night is a killer!)

Lots of nursing means lots of burping and disrupting her sleep...

...Never mind, she's asleep again

Brittany brought Max and Landen for a visit this morning.  It didn't go well.  Max had no interest in Emmalyn.

More interested in watching tv.

The gorgeous flowers we received. Bouquet on the left is from my work (the Dedicated Team Division Managers), the middle is from Peter's job (South and Western), and the one on the right is from Kimberly.

I loved this arrangement.  My sister knows me so well!

Hydrangea plant from Mary Ann and Erika

Balloons from Brittany - the Dora balloon is for Maxwell.  :)

Our hospital room - this is the living room

Another view of the living room. The couch pulls out and is the bed Peter has been sleeping on.

My part of the room

Max DID try to put a hat on his sister.  That was the extent of their interaction this morning.

The photographer came by this morning to take pictures of Emmalyn in our room.  It was perfect because she came when Max was there so I was happy we could also take a family picture.  I put on a real shirt and some makeup and we did Max's hair.

We played dress up with Emmalyn to decide what she'd wear.  I should have taken a picture.  I brought 8 different choices between nightgowns and outfits.  I clearly over packed.  :)

All "dolled" up for the photo shoot

The photo shoot did NOT go well.  I had such a great experience with the photographer last time and this was such a disappointment.  The pics of Emmalyn looked like they were good but Max absolutely would not be in a picture with his sister regardless of how we bribed him.  He would only do a picture if Peter and I were also in it and as long as his sister wasn't touching him.

Then, when the photographer was reviewing the pics I was bummed with the family pic...felt like she was trying too hard to "sell" me on her crap extras...I didn't like that she just presented us with what she felt were the best pics without letting us look at the others and choose them ourselves...Peter was focused on entertaining Max and not looking at the pictures...the little boys were extremely high energy...I didn't feel that the photographer cared about what I wanted (how things were cropped, etc.)...  All this was going on and I quickly hit my limit (I almost wrote "max" but then figured that sounded bad...ha!) So I just shut it down, told her all we wanted was the CD, we didn't want any prints or extras....just give me cd (with 8 pictures for 150 freakin dollars!) and let's be done with this.

Grrr...not how I wanted it to go down.  I wanted to have great pics that we could use for her announcements and get it all ordered right then.  I wanted a great family picture (all of the family pics were bad...not 1 had us all looking good - why didn't she see that and suggest we do it again?!). I wanted Peter to care- or show that he cared in the way that I wanted.

At this pointed I wanted to just be done.  I wanted the kids to leave, Peter to stop talking to me, and just be left in quiet with my baby.  I think I was overstimulated and over-stressed.  :)

Landen could have held her all day

(I just LOVE this hat that my Aunt Tammy made her!)

High energy, extra whiny Maxwell

Part of the problem - Peter gave the boys snacks from the snack room to keep them happy but unfortunately the snacks were sugar filled and pumped the kids up.

The icing on my perfect-morning-cake came during goodbyes when Maxwell refused to kiss me goodbye.  I tried not to show how much it affected me but I was devastated.  I have worried for months about if he would resent me for changing his life with this little baby or would love me less because I had to share my attention.  His denial, in my mind, confirmed my fears.  

After everyone left, I was able to breathe again and just loved on the baby and all her different faces.

Doesn't she look like a little Asian baby with those eyes and that skin tone?  Luckily Peter trusts me and doesn't question her parentage.  :)

We enjoyed a nice visit from our friend Andrea.  She brought her new son C who is just about 6 weeks older than Emmalyn.  He looked so big compared to her!  Poor Andrea asked how I was doing and I melted down.  Tears streaming down my face, unable to stop crying, I shared my disappointment with the photo shoot, Max shutting me down, and frustrations with Peter and how he didn't react how I wanted.  

(Looking back - - OH THE HORMONES!!!! My poor friend and husband who had to put up with me and my heightened emotions...)

The plan was for me to be released from the hospital the next morning so they scheduled for us to have our celebration dinner that night - Steak and chicken/lobster with great sides and amazing chocolate cake!  However, when my Doctor came to visit that morning, I asked if I could stay another night. (I remember last time that she had offered for me to stay an extra day if I wanted, which I declined and immediately regretted once we actually got home.  I told Peter to remind me of that regret if we ever had another kid.)  She said that I could, my insurance would cover it and I said YES, PLEASE!  Peter was understandably not overjoyed with this but he supported my desire.  The hospital isn't exactly all fun and games for him.  He pretty much sits in the same chair for most of the day except to help with the baby, fetch snacks and water for his wife, or go on long, slow romantic walks down the hospital halls with his wife.

Since we had already ordered our celebration dinner, we had it today even though we weren't leaving in the morning.  The food was fantastic (mmmmm steak)!

That evening Brittany dropped Max off for a visit.  It was later in the day (which would mean a late bedtime), but I missed him and wanted to see him.  He went with his dad down to the hospital cafe to get some dinner.  They brought it up and we enjoyed some quality time together while Emmalyn was in the nursery.  It was exactly what I needed.  I was able to feel connected with him again and it felt so good to just spend time with him, alone.  It helped me feel like everything would be okay and that he still loves his Momma.

After Max's dinner they brought the baby back in.  He didn't want to hold her but he did interact with her and tried to give her a binky.  We worked with him on being soft with the baby.  He was cute and asked her if she was hungry and even gave her a kiss on the cheek!

Video - Max actually touching his sister and getting involved with her! (It's long...sorry - not going to take the time to edit it)

He saw me nursing her and comes over on the bed and said he wanted to feed her with his nipple.  He then pulled up his shirt and said he wanted to give her "Max's milk".  (We have emphasized that she doesn't eat food - only Momma's milk.)  It was quite sweet but we quickly explained that isn't how it worked.  :)

When it was time for him to go back home with Peter so he could go to bed, he gave his sister kisses and said goodbye.  It was the most he interacted with her yet!  This visit was the perfect remedy to the rough morning for both me and Max as well as Max and his sister.

Healthy dinner of hot dog, fries, and chips

Ice cream for dessert (the ice cream in the snack room was sooooooo good)

Always crossing his feet, regardless of where he's at.  :)  

Sweetly sleeping like a baby

I can't believe we've been in the hospital for 3 full days.  Time is going so fast even though we aren't really doing anything!

Whew - today was certainly emotional.  I realized that the nurses had skipped giving me one of my pain pills during the day so that probably didn't help things at all.  Unfortunately I didn't realize it until I got the next one.

One special thing happened today - I got a call from my friend Gina's mom.  Gina passed away a few months after Max was born from cancer.  She was a dear friend from work who was so excited about Max joining our lives.  Anyway, her mom called me from Gina's old phone to tell me that Gina had lost a court case that she had started while she was living.  I thought it was quite odd that her mom would think to call me after all this time and tell me this.  And then she asked about the baby and I realized she was talking about Max and not the baby I just had.  However, after I hung up the phone I got to thinking.  I truly believe in life after death and I think that there are times that our loved ones find ways to still touch our lives even though we don't live in the same world anymore.  There is nothing about this phone call that made sense.  Why would her mom continue to pay for service on Gina's phone when she has been gone more than 2 years?  Why would she call me to share this news?  (I met her mom once at the funeral - click to read about Gina and the funeral)  Why would this call come today?  Then it hit me...the call wasn't about Gina's mom or the news she had to share.  It was GINA.  This was the way that Gina had found to reach out and touch me...to let me know that she knew about Emmalyn and wanted ME to know that she knew.  I was so touched and cried a bunch about it (of course I cried...you see the day I'm having!).

Two things to remember for next time (if there is a next time).  After surgery, I had a weird bruising on my right thigh.  The nurses couldn't figure it out but seemed concerned and would talk about it on every shift change.  Peter remembered that I had something exactly like this last time.  One of the nurses (or dr's) finally put two and two together once Peter remembered this had happened before and figured out that the bruising was exactly where the doctor put the grounding pad that I think they use during the surgery to keep the electric tools grounded.  Something about it must be causing a reaction with my skin.  It wasn't painful and was no big deal to me.  What was causing me issues was a reaction my skin was having to the adhesive tape that was used both in the surgery and then after.  It irritated my skin and caused it to itch.  My doctor ordered some hydrocortizone cream and neosporin because it was starting to blister as well (I think I spelled both of those wrong..).  No fun

Peter clued into my crappy day and was really kind, helpful, and attentive that evening.  I appreciated his support.

10 yr Anniversary - Caribbean Cruise Part 5 Nassau, Bahamas

We were now at the back part of our cruise...that awful part where you see the end creeping up on you.

We got to enjoy another day at sea.  I like having a couple days at sea to enjoy the boat and relax without having to get off the boat.  Today I also took advantage of  of the day at sea to get a massage.  This was the first time I've gotten a massage at sea.  So nice!

Peter joined in the "free" time for the under 2 year olds.  This time there was one other child in there - one of the officer's sons.  I couldn't believe that other parents wouldn't bring their kids to play.  While a cruise ship is HUGE, it can be hard to find space for little kids to play and run around without bumping into other people.

Again, the kitchen was his favorite thing to play with.

It was cute watching him pretend play with the cups

Playing around with dad before trivia started.

Woo hoo!!!  We won!  Our prize was this "ship on a stick" and some playing cards.  Fancy, right?

We went to some show in the theater.

Max liked to clap along with the audience.

Ha! Not sure what they were looking at but they seem to feel the same way about it.

He must be watching something down on deck.

Dad got him his favorite treat on the ship, an ice cream cone.  SPOILED

We were able to enjoy dinner in the dining room every night except for the night Peter and I went to the steakhouse.  We had a great system down.  Our servers knew to get Max some fruit before we even placed our order.  They brought him milk and little straws.  He was quite popular in the dining room and all the servers around us also talked to him.  Max loved eating the fruit and bread and we usually got some chicken/broccoli/or PB&J in him as well.  Then when he was done eating we'd bring out the iPad and headphones and he'd entertain himself while we finished up.  Pretty much every night, there would be some new family next to us that would get distracted from their own meal with watching how great Max was with what he was doing on the iPad.

Our fantastic server - Kittyaporn.  Max loved her.  When she'd walk away he'd ask where she was going.  Or if we didn't see her for awhile he'd say, "Where's my Kitty?"  We were lucky to have someone so great with Max!

We were all dressed up for one of the "formal nights"

Max and I boogied on the dance floor to the live music

Apparently we had an audience (look at the back left)

Max also danced with his daddy

Video - Max learned a new dance move during this cruise.  I think it's pretty dang cute.

That night, Max again asked to go to the show.  He enjoyed the glow sticks they gave out.

Fun to see the all the glow sticks

Our last day included a stop in Nassau, Bahamas.  We've been to the Bahamas before and did NOT like it.  Click here to read about it.   I was excited to finally go to Nassau and had high hopes.  Kimberly, Peter, and I were going to go paddle boarding and snorkeling  (We'd drop Max off to be babysat again.)  We were all really looking forward to it.  Unfortunately about 1/2 hr before we were supposed to leave, we got a call that the excursion had been cancelled because the boat the company used was broken.  We were so bummed.  Ugh...the Bahamas Bad Luck starts again.

Panoramic shot - Atlantis is in the background

After we navigated the craziness of the terminal, found a taxi, and waited forever until the taxi driver found other people to shove in the taxi we finally made it to the beach.  The beach was super crowded, littered with trash, and smelled like cigar smoke and pot.  We rented a few chairs and an umbrella still hoping to have a nice time.  Unfortunately, the water was super rough and Max couldn't play in it on his own.  It wasn't even fun for me when holding Max, just stressful.  I think Peter enjoyed the waves a little bit.

Not happy Max.  None of us had a great time so we didn't stay long.  We decided to just go back to the pier, do some last chance shopping, and head back to the boat.

Max liked the towel stingray

The mess your room turns into by the end of the cruise...

Such a mess after you pick up little trinkets/crap/etc everywhere!

Max was a pro at working that remote.  We watched a lot of Alvin and the Chipmunks Movie, over and over and over...

Family pic

I was running short on diapers this last day.  We had enough for the last day on the boat but not enough for the next day when we were traveling home.  I packed so many diapers - I couldn't believe I ran out!  So I had no choice but to buy diapers in port.... 19.99 for 31!!!!!!!  Killed me.  But what choice did I have?  (I ended up only being 1 diaper short by the time we got home...ONE!...grumble...)

Stinkin' Bahamas.  What a crappy way to end a great cruise.  If it had been the first port, it might not have been so bad but we had some awesome ports and Nassau didn't even come close comparatively.

Unfortunately the time came and the cruise came to an end.  It was time to go home.

A pic from the Bahamas (these smiles weren't around when we were getting back on the boat!)

We went back to the airport in style too - town car.  We flew home from Ft. Lauderdale airport so we parted ways with Kimberly on the ship.

Since Max turned two years old the next day, we moved his car seat around to be front facing.  He thought that was pretty awesome and enjoyed being able to see where we were going out the front window for the first time!

He didn't nap on the plane which led to him falling asleep in his stroller on the way out to meet Brittany.  He doesn't fall asleep like this so that really says a lot for how tired he was.  He fell asleep one other time like this at one of the ports and the security people that make you go through the metal detectors when you get back on the boat, didn't make us wake him up to take him out of the stroller which was nice of them.

Things I want to remember about Max on this cruise:

• He would take our hands (or our pants) and pull us around to where he wanted to go
• He learned numbers 11 - 15 thanks to all the floors on the boat
• He LOVED the elevator buttons and knew where all the elevators were and would run ahead of us when we were getting close and would say "this way"
• He high fived and said hello to other passengers - and not only did he give them out but there were times HE would initiate the high fives which is great because in the past he's been so shy!
• The boxes of cheerios in the morning were a great thing to be utilized throughout the day
• He didn't like being out on the balcony
• He was spoiled with more playing time on the iPad than he would get at home and quickly connected us eating to a chance for him to play on it.  He also connected trivia time with a chance for him to play on Peter's phone.
• He didn't want to wear his bib or sit in the high chair
• He loved the ocean and building sand castles
• Pineapple became his favorite fruit
• He usually would say to Peter "hold you" (meaning he wanted Peter to hold him) on the long hallways so he didn't have to walk
• He loved being with his Aunt Kimi
• His naps were never very long but he still woke up early in the morning